永恒星 Evermore
By Bruce Golden
Translate By
2015-04
彗星科幻
Burke watched the sky sprites cavort across the sunset-layered horizon as he waited for the new recruit's release. Blood red and midnight blue were the colors of the evening--bold as they were ebullient. His eyes absorbed the dancing vision but his focus was elsewhere.
Wu’s desire to enlist him into the ranks of insurgency weighed upon him. The problem was, as much as he wanted to avoid involvement, the idea appealed to his inner anarchist. He’d been on this planet long enough to have gotten a clear picture of how the company ran roughshod over the colonists. The indentured timber jockeys may have composed their own dirges, but the homesteaders and others who’d given up everything to colonize a new world deserved better.
Burke certainly had no love for the EVT corporation or its methods. He didn’t particularly care for Administrator Shay’s smug brand of despotism either. He wouldn’t mind rattling her cage. Still, such a course required obligation, accountability. He wanted none of that. He’d had enough of that to last a lifetime.
All of which only served to remind him of the name Shay had used. Hanks--AAaron Hanks” she’d said. He must be the same Hanks thought Burke. It was too much of a coincidence. If so, then....
A marshal opened the door. Aaron emerged looking ruffled, but apparently with nothing broken. If they roughed him up any, the bruises didn’t show. The marshal pointed his shock stick at Burke as if directing Aaron.
Burke turned as Aaron approached, and they both headed down the road. When they were out of earshot of the marshal, Burke spoke, his gaze straight ahead.
“What the hell were you doing trying to break into the company’s information system? You were this close,” he said, holding up two fingers an inch apart, “to spending the rest of your life spitting bark.”
“How did you do it? How you’d get me out?”
“Let’s just say it was an exchange of favors.” Burke stopped and looked at him like a stern parent. “Don’t let it happen again, because I won’t be there next time,” he said, picking up the pace again. “I’m all out of favors.”
Aaron followed him, but didn’t speak. They were far enough from Greenville’s hub that the road was quiet, deserted this time of the evening. Up ahead Burke saw the lights and heard the bustle of the town. It wouldn’t be as boisterous as Funday night, but the TJs would still be out rocking the vill with vigorous intensity until first light of Riverday, when they’d drag themselves to the dock and head back to their emerald asylum.
He'd taken Aaron under his wing the day he arrived on Evermore, when a not-so-friendly TJ was about to gut him like fish due to a minor misunderstanding. Burke had stepped in and calmed the situation, and now he felt kind of responsible for the kid. But this was the second time he'd pulled his fat out of the fire, and enough was enough.
Aaron must have sensed his ire. “Thanks,” he finally said. “Thanks for coming after me.”
“So are you going to tell me what you were doing?”
Aaron stopped and so did Burke.
“I was looking for a name--the name of a timber jockey. And I found it. He’s here. I saw enough to confirm that before they grabbed me.”
“What are you talking about? Who’s here? Who are you looking for?”
“The man who killed my mother.”
Black expectation bit into Burke’s side like hot steel.
“So that’s why you’re here on Evermore? That’s why you enlisted to be a timber jockey?”
Aaron nodded. “It happened years ago, when I was still in school. I swore I’d find him. I learned his name--I even saw a picture of him once, briefly. As soon as I was old enough I did everything I could to find him, track him down. I finally learned he’d been sent to Evermore as an indentured worker. Now I’m certain he’s here, and I’m going to find him.”
“Then what?” Burke asked, though he saw the answer in Aaron’s eyes.
“Then I’m going to kill him.”
“So it’s all about revenge.”
Aaron looked at him with an expression that added 20 years to his boyish face. “It’s about justice.” Aaron paused and his expression changed. “It’s about how I....”
He didn’t finish. To Burke it sounded as if he were about to reveal something he kept securely locked away.
“Killing someone isn’t that easy,” said Burke, trying to sound convincing, but too caught up in his own emotions to carry it off. “If this fellow you’re after is really a killer, he’s not going to hesitate. You just might. If he’s killed once, he could kill again.”
“Thirteen,” said Aaron. “My mother was one of thirteen people he killed.”
A chill colder than the void of space coursed through Burke. His apprehension, his dread, solidified. Thirteen. The implication of the number immobilized him, inside and out. He gathered himself with an infusion of denial and, even though he knew the answer he asked, “What’s his name?”
“Donovan,” said Aaron. The words spit from his tongue like venom. “Peter Donovan.”
It was a name Burke hadn’t heard in years, except in his own mind. It was a name ripe with nightmares and malignant remorse. A name that reminded him of a singular instant that would haunt him for a lifetime.
“I’ve got to get up to control, so I won’t be here when you leave.”
“Then come over here and give me a kiss to remember you by.”
“You’re only going to be Earthside for two weeks.”
“Two weeks is a long time in a place full of rich, handsome men. You’d
better remind me why I’m coming back.”
“Come here you little vixen.”
“Hmm. Maybe I will come back.”
“You’d better come back. We’ve still got all those thank-yous to
send out for the wedding gifts.”
“Don’t remind me. If you’d been a brave man, you would have
married me years ago, and we’d be done with all that.”
“And if you hadn’t been flitting around the world to every scientific
conference you could sign up for, then maybe I could have corralled
you sooner.”
“Okay, okay. You’d better get going, or you’re going to be late
for your duty shift.”
“Yeah. Have fun...but not too much.”
“Peter, I love you.”
“I love you too, Megan.”
Aaron's mother wasn't the only one mourned by loved ones. She wasn't the only one who was inside the space station's airlock that fateful day. Burke had had years to contemplate all of them.
It didn't matter that the court had found him "not guilty." Not guilty didn’t change anything. It didn’t change the way he felt. It didn’t change the expressions on the blanched faces that followed him out of the courtroom. It didn’t stop the nightmares, or the accusing voice that whispered with malice in his ear. Not guilty? Guilt sucked at his marrow. How could he be not guilty when guilt was the only thing he had to hold on to? Guilt was what kept him going.
APeter, we’ve got a problem with a pressure equalization valve in the
transfer chamber airlock.”
AYou sure it’s not just air bubbles in the coolant line?”
“Not likely.”
AAll right, tell the shuttle commander to back off until we find the problem.”
AHe’s not going to like it.”
AToo bad.”
AOkay, you’re the duty engineer. Shuttle commander confirms a hold on
docking procedures. I won’t bother passing on the expletives.”
“Thanks for that.”
“Now what? The pressure control assembly just went offline.”
“Get those passengers out of the transfer chamber and--”
“Peter, it’s a micrometeorite incursion.”
“Where?”
“One of the chamber’s high-pressure tanks.”
“Get those people out--now!”
“There’s no time. That tank’s going to explode. It’ll depressurize the entire
station. You’ve got to blow the transfer chamber hatch now!”
“There are 13 people in there!”
“You’ve got to do it, Peter. You’ve got to blow it now!”
AMegan...forgive me.”
When they returned to camp, Aaron was restless. He paced like a caged cat.
“I can’t sleep,” he finally said.
Burke nodded as if he understood, and said, “Maybe we should talk then.” He'd decided he couldn't hide the truth in any longer--damn the consequences.
“Talk about what?”
“About how I came to Evermore.”
That caught Aaron off guard. He simply replied, “Sure, if you want.”
“Back then, back in the real world,” Burke started, taking a deep breath, “I was an engineer. I worked for the WSA.”
“The World Space Agency? My mother worked for them too.”
“Yeah. Now shut up and let me get this out.”
Aaron was surprised by the harshness of his tone, but kept silent.
“Anyway,” Burke continued, “I was the duty engineer on the orbital space station when something went wrong. We got hit by micrometeorites all the time. The patch and repair system worked fine, so it wasn’t usually a problem. But this one time...a speck of a meteorite found its way to a pressurized tank. I had to make a split-second decision. You understand? It was a life or death situation, and I had to decide right then, right that moment. I could jettison a single chamber or risk destroying the entire station. You don’t have any idea what that’s like--to have to make that decision. To issue a command that kills 13 people.”
“Thirteen?” Aaron repeated with a mounting sense of realization.
“Yes. Thirteen people died because of my decision--a decision I had to make. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t want it. I wish the hell I’d never--”
“You’re....” Aaron couldn’t say the name. It had eaten away at him for so long--since he first heard it. It had been engraved in searing letters across his brain. Yet now his tongue couldn’t give it voice.
“I’m Peter Donovan,” said Burke for him. “At least I used to be Peter Donovan. He doesn’t exist anymore.”
Burke got up. He stood there, waiting for Aaron to react.
Aaron couldn’t move. He couldn’t even talk. The revelation left him stunned.
“Your mother was Dr. Jill Hanks, wasn’t she? I knew her. I knew every one of those 13 people.”
Burke turned and walked away.
Aaron still couldn’t move. It was as if he couldn’t comprehend what he’d heard. It ran round and round inside his head, but wouldn’t stop long enough for him to send a message to his legs to move. He’d found the man he’d been looking for all these years. The man who’d killed his mother. He’d found him only to learn it was his friend. The only person on Evermore who’d showed any concern for him. The only man he’d ever learned to respect.
And now he had to kill him. But before he could...before he could even contemplate the act, he had to talk with him. He followed Burke--Peter Donovan--into the tree line.
Burke heard him coming and turned.
“Why didn’t you at least try to save them? Why didn’t....” Aaron wavered as if he’d lost his train of thought. He turned his face away. Before he did, Burke read his pained expression. Was it a grimace of shame? Remorse? Still looking away, Aaron went on, his words rusty with emotion. “I was the reason she was on that shuttle. It was my fault she was there. I'd gotten into trouble at school--again. She was coming to try and smooth things over.” His voice fractured, becoming barely more than a whisper. He looked back at Burke. “I know it was a risk, but there must have been a chance. Why didn’t you...why didn’t you take that chance?”
Burke didn’t answer right away. He didn’t have an answer. Not one that would do either of them any good. It had never occurred to him that Aaron had his own guilt to deal with. His quest for revenge was a mask--a band-aid for a wound that continued to fester. It had been easier for the kid to funnel his guilt into hate than to live with it. Maybe now that he’d admitted it, said it out loud, he could learn to cope with it. Maybe they both could.
“I wish I had done something different,” said Burke. “I wish I could have traded my life for all of theirs. I would have done it in a heartbeat. But it wasn’t just my life that was at stake. There were hundreds of others. Hundreds of lives depending on me to do what I was supposed to do,” he said. “I’d do anything to bring back those 13 people. To bring back your mother. To bring back my wife. But I can’t. I can’t ever change that moment.”
Aaron wavered, assimilating what he’d heard. “Your wife was there too, waiting for the shuttle?”
Burke had no response. He’d said enough. He’d said more than he ever intended. He turned and walked away again. Walked away from something he'd never be able to leave behind.
一名执法官打开了门。亚伦看起来有点愤愤不平,但是似乎没怎么受伤,看不出有被打的痕迹。执法官拿着警棍指着伯克,再指指亚伦。
亚伦走出来,伯克转身和他一起离开。走得够远了,伯克才开口,但眼睛仍然直直地看着前方。
“你没事闯到公司的信息部里干什么去了?只差这么一点点,”他说,一边用手指尖比划着一寸的长度,“你就得在黑牢里度过你的下半辈子了。”
“你是怎么做到的?你怎么把我弄出来的?”
“我只是和他们互利互惠而已。”伯克停下脚步,看着他,就像一个严厉的家长一样,“不许有下次了,下一次我就不会来帮你了。”他又往前走,“我再没什么好处给他们了。”
亚伦紧跟着他,一语不发。他们已经走得离格林维尔市中心很远了,夜晚这里的道路上十分安静。抬起头,伯克还能看到城镇的灯光,耳边还有远远传来的喧闹声。这里不如周日晚上那么喧闹,但是伐木工们仍然会在外狂欢,直至黎明来临时才拖着疲惫的身体回到收容所。
从亚伦第一天来到永恒星,伯克就护着他。第一次见到他时,他正因为一些小误会被某个“不是很友好”的伐木工痛扁。伯克插手平息了这件小事,所以现在他觉着要对这个孩子负一点责任。可是这已经是第二次他为亚伦的破事擦屁股了,什么好事都是有完的。
亚伦显然察觉到了他的愤怒。“谢谢你,”他终于说到,“谢谢你来救我。”
“那么你想不想告诉我到底是什么情况?”
亚伦站住了脚,伯克也停了下来。
“我在找一个人,一个伐木工。我已经找到了。他就在这个星球上。在我被抓到之前,已经非常确认,就是那个人。”
“你在说谁呢?谁在这个星球上?你在找谁?”
“谋杀了我母亲的人。”
一丝不好的预感像烙铁一样咬住伯克。
“所以你来永恒星?跑到这种地方来当一个伐木工?”
亚伦点了点头。“出事的时候,我还是个学生。我发誓我要找到他,我知道了他的名字,甚至看到过一眼他的照片,虽然只是很短的一瞥。到我成了大人,就拼命地找他。最后听说他被遣送到永恒星上来当契约工了。现在我确定他就在这里,我一定会找到他的。”
“然后呢?你打算怎么办?”伯克问道,尽管他已经在这个孩子的眼中看到了答案。
“然后我要杀了他。”
“就是为了报仇。”
亚伦看着他,稚嫩的脸上浮现出来的表情使他看起来似乎老了20岁。“是为了正义。”亚伦停了停,脸上的表情有些变化,“还有……”
他没有说下去。在伯克听来仿佛要让他揭开一段尘封已久的秘密。
“杀人并不容易,”伯克尝试着使自己的语气更有说服力,但是他无法掩饰紧张。“如果这个家伙真是个杀手,他下手不会犹豫的。而你会。如果他真的杀过人,他很有可能会再杀了你。”
“十三。”亚伦说,“他一共杀了十三个人。”
冰冷的寒意漫过全身,伯克感到一切都凝固了,他的恐惧,他的绝望。十三。这个数字的含义让他从心至身都僵化了。好不容易,他拼命遏制自己的情绪,问出了那个他已经知道了答案的问题:“他叫什么名字?”
“多纳万,”亚伦说到。字词从他嘴里钻出,如同毒药。“皮特·多纳万。”
那个名字,伯克很久没有听到了,只是时不时在自己的心中想起。那是一个浸透了噩梦与悔恨的名字,一个让他一辈子伤痛的名字。
“亲爱的,我得去控制室了,所以你出发的时候我可能不能送你了。”
“那现在赶紧凑过来给我亲一下。”
“你只不过去地球那边两个星期。”
“那边可全是高富帅,你最好记着到时候给我个回来的理由。”
“哟,过来,你这小狐狸。”
“唔,好吧,我还是会回来的。”
“你最好还是回来。我们收到那么多结婚礼物的感谢信还没寄呢。”
“用不着你提醒。要是你能大胆点,几年前我们就结婚了。这些东西早就弄完了。”
“那我倒是提醒提醒你,要不是你老是为了参加每一个你能报上名的科学会议而满世界地跑,我早就把你抱回家了。”
“好好好,你还是赶紧出门吧。再晚就要上班迟到了。”
“嗯嗯,好好玩……哦,别玩得太好了……”
“皮特,我爱你。”
“我也爱你,梅根。”
不仅仅是亚伦的母亲一直被人记着。那个命运颠覆的夜晚,太空站气闸内有许多人。多少年来,伯克记着他们所有人。
法院的判决是“无罪”,但这毫无意义。无罪也改变不了事实,改变不了他的感受,改变不了宣判结束后跟在他身后的人苍白脸上的表情。它也无法阻止噩梦,无法阻止耳中不停的低语与诅咒。无罪?罪恶已经浸入他的骨髓。当罪恶感成为他唯一的依托时,他怎么可能是无罪的?让他坚持前行只剩下罪恶感本身。
“皮特,传送室的气压平衡阀有点问题。”
“你确定不是冷却管道里的气泡吗?”
“不太像。”
“好,告诉飞船指挥官,让他退后,直到问题解决。”
“他可不会喜欢这命令的。”
“是么?”
“听你的,值班工程师。指挥官确认暂停对接。骂你的话就不复述了。”
“谢谢。”
“然后呢?压力控制系统宕机了。”
“让乘客离舱,然后……”
“皮特,微陨石雨!”
“位置?”
“击中了一个舱的加压箱。”
“撤离人群,快!”
“没时间了,那个加压箱马上就会爆炸。它会造成整个空间站减压的。你得弹射这个传送舱!”
“里面还有十三个人!”
“皮特,立刻动手。现在就弹射!”
“梅根……对不起。”
当他们回到营地,亚伦仍旧坐立不安。他来回踱步,像只关在笼子里的猫。
“我睡不着。”他终于开口了。
伯克点点头,仿佛能够理解一样。他说:“也许我们该谈谈。”他决定不再隐藏这件事情了——去他的以后。
“谈什么?”
“我为什么到永恒星来。”
亚伦没有多大的兴趣,只是简单地接到:“好啊,如果你想说的话。”
“那个时候,在原来那个世界的时候,”伯克深吸了一口气,说到:“我是世航局的工程师。”
“世界航天局?我妈妈以前也在那工作。”
“闭上你的嘴,听我说完。”
亚伦很少见他用这么尖锐的语气,乖乖地保持了沉默。
“是这样的,”伯克接着说,“出事的时候我是轨道空间站的值班员。我们经常遭受微陨石的袭击,通常也不会有太大的麻烦。但这次……这次有颗陨石击中了加压箱。我得瞬间下个决定,你知道吗,生死关头,我得马上做出一个决定,到底是放弃一个舱,还是拿整个空间站冒险。你完全无法体会那种情形—--在那种时候下决定。下决定放弃十三个人的生命。”
“十三?”亚伦逐渐意识到了。
“对。因为我的决定,十三个人丧生,因为那个我不得不下的决定。我也不想这样,我也不想!要是我没……”
“你就是……”亚伦挤不出那个名字。自从他知道那个名字以来,它一直撕咬着他。它如同一个个灼热的字母刻在他的脑海之中。但现在,他却挤不出一点声音。
“我就是皮特·多纳万,”伯克替他说了出来,“至少以前是。那个人现在已经不存在了。”
伯克站起身来。他站在那里,等着亚伦的反应。
亚伦一动不动,说不出话来,事实真相击垮了他的意识。
“你的母亲是吉尔·汉克斯博士,对吗?我认识她。我认识他们所有的十三个人。”
伯克转身走开。
亚伦仍然没有动静。他仿佛不能理解听到的一切。那些声音在他的脑袋中转了一圈又一圈,妨碍了其他所有的动作。他找到了这个他追逐了多年的仇人,这个杀害了他的母亲的人,却发现这个人是他最好的朋友。在永恒星上,唯一对他无微不至的人,唯一值得他尊敬的人。
现在,他却得杀他。在他能够……在他能够考虑这件事之前,他要再和他谈谈。他跟着伯克,或者说,皮特·多纳万,走进树林。
伯克听到他的脚步声,转过身来。
“你为什么不救他们?你为什么不……”亚伦摇摇晃晃的,思绪已经完全混乱。他别过脸去。伯克还是看到他的脸上痛苦的表情。那是由于愧疚产生的表情吗?抑或是懊悔?亚伦看着别处,一路走下去,话语死气沉沉。“她在那个飞船上是为了我。都是我的错,她才会在那。我又在学校惹事了,她就赶过来帮我的。”他的声音渐渐黯淡,轻的像是自言自语。他看向伯克:“我知道会有风险,但至少还是有希望的啊。你为什么……为什么不试试!”
伯克没有回答。他不知道怎么回答。什么答案都没有用。他从没有想过亚伦自己也有罪恶感。他的复仇只是一副面具,一条包扎自己伤口的绷带。对于孩子来说,把罪恶感转化为仇恨要容易得多。但现在,也许他能够承受了,大声说出来,他能学会如何处理自己的罪恶感。也许,他们俩都能。
“我也希望我做了别的选择。”伯克说到。“我也希望我能把我妻子的生命换回来。我应该毫不犹豫地这么做的。但冒险的不是我自己的生命,那是整个空间站的几百个人。几百条生命都由我来决定,”他接着说了下去,“如果能救回那十三条人命,要我做什么都行。只要能救回你的母亲,能救回我的妻子。但是我什么都不能做,我什么都改变不了。”
亚伦迟疑了,不敢相信他听到的东西。“你的妻子?她也在那?她也在等飞船?”
伯克没有回答。他说得够多了,他不想说这么多的。转过身去,他向前走去,把他以前无法忘记的一切也都抛在了身后。
「完」
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By Bruce Golden
Translate By
2015-04
彗星科幻
Burke watched the sky sprites cavort across the sunset-layered horizon as he waited for the new recruit's release. Blood red and midnight blue were the colors of the evening--bold as they were ebullient. His eyes absorbed the dancing vision but his focus was elsewhere.
Wu’s desire to enlist him into the ranks of insurgency weighed upon him. The problem was, as much as he wanted to avoid involvement, the idea appealed to his inner anarchist. He’d been on this planet long enough to have gotten a clear picture of how the company ran roughshod over the colonists. The indentured timber jockeys may have composed their own dirges, but the homesteaders and others who’d given up everything to colonize a new world deserved better.
Burke certainly had no love for the EVT corporation or its methods. He didn’t particularly care for Administrator Shay’s smug brand of despotism either. He wouldn’t mind rattling her cage. Still, such a course required obligation, accountability. He wanted none of that. He’d had enough of that to last a lifetime.
All of which only served to remind him of the name Shay had used. Hanks--AAaron Hanks” she’d said. He must be the same Hanks thought Burke. It was too much of a coincidence. If so, then....
A marshal opened the door. Aaron emerged looking ruffled, but apparently with nothing broken. If they roughed him up any, the bruises didn’t show. The marshal pointed his shock stick at Burke as if directing Aaron.
Burke turned as Aaron approached, and they both headed down the road. When they were out of earshot of the marshal, Burke spoke, his gaze straight ahead.
“What the hell were you doing trying to break into the company’s information system? You were this close,” he said, holding up two fingers an inch apart, “to spending the rest of your life spitting bark.”
“How did you do it? How you’d get me out?”
“Let’s just say it was an exchange of favors.” Burke stopped and looked at him like a stern parent. “Don’t let it happen again, because I won’t be there next time,” he said, picking up the pace again. “I’m all out of favors.”
Aaron followed him, but didn’t speak. They were far enough from Greenville’s hub that the road was quiet, deserted this time of the evening. Up ahead Burke saw the lights and heard the bustle of the town. It wouldn’t be as boisterous as Funday night, but the TJs would still be out rocking the vill with vigorous intensity until first light of Riverday, when they’d drag themselves to the dock and head back to their emerald asylum.
He'd taken Aaron under his wing the day he arrived on Evermore, when a not-so-friendly TJ was about to gut him like fish due to a minor misunderstanding. Burke had stepped in and calmed the situation, and now he felt kind of responsible for the kid. But this was the second time he'd pulled his fat out of the fire, and enough was enough.
Aaron must have sensed his ire. “Thanks,” he finally said. “Thanks for coming after me.”
“So are you going to tell me what you were doing?”
Aaron stopped and so did Burke.
“I was looking for a name--the name of a timber jockey. And I found it. He’s here. I saw enough to confirm that before they grabbed me.”
“What are you talking about? Who’s here? Who are you looking for?”
“The man who killed my mother.”
Black expectation bit into Burke’s side like hot steel.
“So that’s why you’re here on Evermore? That’s why you enlisted to be a timber jockey?”
Aaron nodded. “It happened years ago, when I was still in school. I swore I’d find him. I learned his name--I even saw a picture of him once, briefly. As soon as I was old enough I did everything I could to find him, track him down. I finally learned he’d been sent to Evermore as an indentured worker. Now I’m certain he’s here, and I’m going to find him.”
“Then what?” Burke asked, though he saw the answer in Aaron’s eyes.
“Then I’m going to kill him.”
“So it’s all about revenge.”
Aaron looked at him with an expression that added 20 years to his boyish face. “It’s about justice.” Aaron paused and his expression changed. “It’s about how I....”
He didn’t finish. To Burke it sounded as if he were about to reveal something he kept securely locked away.
“Killing someone isn’t that easy,” said Burke, trying to sound convincing, but too caught up in his own emotions to carry it off. “If this fellow you’re after is really a killer, he’s not going to hesitate. You just might. If he’s killed once, he could kill again.”
“Thirteen,” said Aaron. “My mother was one of thirteen people he killed.”
A chill colder than the void of space coursed through Burke. His apprehension, his dread, solidified. Thirteen. The implication of the number immobilized him, inside and out. He gathered himself with an infusion of denial and, even though he knew the answer he asked, “What’s his name?”
“Donovan,” said Aaron. The words spit from his tongue like venom. “Peter Donovan.”
It was a name Burke hadn’t heard in years, except in his own mind. It was a name ripe with nightmares and malignant remorse. A name that reminded him of a singular instant that would haunt him for a lifetime.
“I’ve got to get up to control, so I won’t be here when you leave.”
“Then come over here and give me a kiss to remember you by.”
“You’re only going to be Earthside for two weeks.”
“Two weeks is a long time in a place full of rich, handsome men. You’d
better remind me why I’m coming back.”
“Come here you little vixen.”
“Hmm. Maybe I will come back.”
“You’d better come back. We’ve still got all those thank-yous to
send out for the wedding gifts.”
“Don’t remind me. If you’d been a brave man, you would have
married me years ago, and we’d be done with all that.”
“And if you hadn’t been flitting around the world to every scientific
conference you could sign up for, then maybe I could have corralled
you sooner.”
“Okay, okay. You’d better get going, or you’re going to be late
for your duty shift.”
“Yeah. Have fun...but not too much.”
“Peter, I love you.”
“I love you too, Megan.”
Aaron's mother wasn't the only one mourned by loved ones. She wasn't the only one who was inside the space station's airlock that fateful day. Burke had had years to contemplate all of them.
It didn't matter that the court had found him "not guilty." Not guilty didn’t change anything. It didn’t change the way he felt. It didn’t change the expressions on the blanched faces that followed him out of the courtroom. It didn’t stop the nightmares, or the accusing voice that whispered with malice in his ear. Not guilty? Guilt sucked at his marrow. How could he be not guilty when guilt was the only thing he had to hold on to? Guilt was what kept him going.
APeter, we’ve got a problem with a pressure equalization valve in the
transfer chamber airlock.”
AYou sure it’s not just air bubbles in the coolant line?”
“Not likely.”
AAll right, tell the shuttle commander to back off until we find the problem.”
AHe’s not going to like it.”
AToo bad.”
AOkay, you’re the duty engineer. Shuttle commander confirms a hold on
docking procedures. I won’t bother passing on the expletives.”
“Thanks for that.”
“Now what? The pressure control assembly just went offline.”
“Get those passengers out of the transfer chamber and--”
“Peter, it’s a micrometeorite incursion.”
“Where?”
“One of the chamber’s high-pressure tanks.”
“Get those people out--now!”
“There’s no time. That tank’s going to explode. It’ll depressurize the entire
station. You’ve got to blow the transfer chamber hatch now!”
“There are 13 people in there!”
“You’ve got to do it, Peter. You’ve got to blow it now!”
AMegan...forgive me.”
When they returned to camp, Aaron was restless. He paced like a caged cat.
“I can’t sleep,” he finally said.
Burke nodded as if he understood, and said, “Maybe we should talk then.” He'd decided he couldn't hide the truth in any longer--damn the consequences.
“Talk about what?”
“About how I came to Evermore.”
That caught Aaron off guard. He simply replied, “Sure, if you want.”
“Back then, back in the real world,” Burke started, taking a deep breath, “I was an engineer. I worked for the WSA.”
“The World Space Agency? My mother worked for them too.”
“Yeah. Now shut up and let me get this out.”
Aaron was surprised by the harshness of his tone, but kept silent.
“Anyway,” Burke continued, “I was the duty engineer on the orbital space station when something went wrong. We got hit by micrometeorites all the time. The patch and repair system worked fine, so it wasn’t usually a problem. But this one time...a speck of a meteorite found its way to a pressurized tank. I had to make a split-second decision. You understand? It was a life or death situation, and I had to decide right then, right that moment. I could jettison a single chamber or risk destroying the entire station. You don’t have any idea what that’s like--to have to make that decision. To issue a command that kills 13 people.”
“Thirteen?” Aaron repeated with a mounting sense of realization.
“Yes. Thirteen people died because of my decision--a decision I had to make. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t want it. I wish the hell I’d never--”
“You’re....” Aaron couldn’t say the name. It had eaten away at him for so long--since he first heard it. It had been engraved in searing letters across his brain. Yet now his tongue couldn’t give it voice.
“I’m Peter Donovan,” said Burke for him. “At least I used to be Peter Donovan. He doesn’t exist anymore.”
Burke got up. He stood there, waiting for Aaron to react.
Aaron couldn’t move. He couldn’t even talk. The revelation left him stunned.
“Your mother was Dr. Jill Hanks, wasn’t she? I knew her. I knew every one of those 13 people.”
Burke turned and walked away.
Aaron still couldn’t move. It was as if he couldn’t comprehend what he’d heard. It ran round and round inside his head, but wouldn’t stop long enough for him to send a message to his legs to move. He’d found the man he’d been looking for all these years. The man who’d killed his mother. He’d found him only to learn it was his friend. The only person on Evermore who’d showed any concern for him. The only man he’d ever learned to respect.
And now he had to kill him. But before he could...before he could even contemplate the act, he had to talk with him. He followed Burke--Peter Donovan--into the tree line.
Burke heard him coming and turned.
“Why didn’t you at least try to save them? Why didn’t....” Aaron wavered as if he’d lost his train of thought. He turned his face away. Before he did, Burke read his pained expression. Was it a grimace of shame? Remorse? Still looking away, Aaron went on, his words rusty with emotion. “I was the reason she was on that shuttle. It was my fault she was there. I'd gotten into trouble at school--again. She was coming to try and smooth things over.” His voice fractured, becoming barely more than a whisper. He looked back at Burke. “I know it was a risk, but there must have been a chance. Why didn’t you...why didn’t you take that chance?”
Burke didn’t answer right away. He didn’t have an answer. Not one that would do either of them any good. It had never occurred to him that Aaron had his own guilt to deal with. His quest for revenge was a mask--a band-aid for a wound that continued to fester. It had been easier for the kid to funnel his guilt into hate than to live with it. Maybe now that he’d admitted it, said it out loud, he could learn to cope with it. Maybe they both could.
“I wish I had done something different,” said Burke. “I wish I could have traded my life for all of theirs. I would have done it in a heartbeat. But it wasn’t just my life that was at stake. There were hundreds of others. Hundreds of lives depending on me to do what I was supposed to do,” he said. “I’d do anything to bring back those 13 people. To bring back your mother. To bring back my wife. But I can’t. I can’t ever change that moment.”
Aaron wavered, assimilating what he’d heard. “Your wife was there too, waiting for the shuttle?”
Burke had no response. He’d said enough. He’d said more than he ever intended. He turned and walked away again. Walked away from something he'd never be able to leave behind.
一名执法官打开了门。亚伦看起来有点愤愤不平,但是似乎没怎么受伤,看不出有被打的痕迹。执法官拿着警棍指着伯克,再指指亚伦。
亚伦走出来,伯克转身和他一起离开。走得够远了,伯克才开口,但眼睛仍然直直地看着前方。
“你没事闯到公司的信息部里干什么去了?只差这么一点点,”他说,一边用手指尖比划着一寸的长度,“你就得在黑牢里度过你的下半辈子了。”
“你是怎么做到的?你怎么把我弄出来的?”
“我只是和他们互利互惠而已。”伯克停下脚步,看着他,就像一个严厉的家长一样,“不许有下次了,下一次我就不会来帮你了。”他又往前走,“我再没什么好处给他们了。”
亚伦紧跟着他,一语不发。他们已经走得离格林维尔市中心很远了,夜晚这里的道路上十分安静。抬起头,伯克还能看到城镇的灯光,耳边还有远远传来的喧闹声。这里不如周日晚上那么喧闹,但是伐木工们仍然会在外狂欢,直至黎明来临时才拖着疲惫的身体回到收容所。
从亚伦第一天来到永恒星,伯克就护着他。第一次见到他时,他正因为一些小误会被某个“不是很友好”的伐木工痛扁。伯克插手平息了这件小事,所以现在他觉着要对这个孩子负一点责任。可是这已经是第二次他为亚伦的破事擦屁股了,什么好事都是有完的。
亚伦显然察觉到了他的愤怒。“谢谢你,”他终于说到,“谢谢你来救我。”
“那么你想不想告诉我到底是什么情况?”
亚伦站住了脚,伯克也停了下来。
“我在找一个人,一个伐木工。我已经找到了。他就在这个星球上。在我被抓到之前,已经非常确认,就是那个人。”
“你在说谁呢?谁在这个星球上?你在找谁?”
“谋杀了我母亲的人。”
一丝不好的预感像烙铁一样咬住伯克。
“所以你来永恒星?跑到这种地方来当一个伐木工?”
亚伦点了点头。“出事的时候,我还是个学生。我发誓我要找到他,我知道了他的名字,甚至看到过一眼他的照片,虽然只是很短的一瞥。到我成了大人,就拼命地找他。最后听说他被遣送到永恒星上来当契约工了。现在我确定他就在这里,我一定会找到他的。”
“然后呢?你打算怎么办?”伯克问道,尽管他已经在这个孩子的眼中看到了答案。
“然后我要杀了他。”
“就是为了报仇。”
亚伦看着他,稚嫩的脸上浮现出来的表情使他看起来似乎老了20岁。“是为了正义。”亚伦停了停,脸上的表情有些变化,“还有……”
他没有说下去。在伯克听来仿佛要让他揭开一段尘封已久的秘密。
“杀人并不容易,”伯克尝试着使自己的语气更有说服力,但是他无法掩饰紧张。“如果这个家伙真是个杀手,他下手不会犹豫的。而你会。如果他真的杀过人,他很有可能会再杀了你。”
“十三。”亚伦说,“他一共杀了十三个人。”
冰冷的寒意漫过全身,伯克感到一切都凝固了,他的恐惧,他的绝望。十三。这个数字的含义让他从心至身都僵化了。好不容易,他拼命遏制自己的情绪,问出了那个他已经知道了答案的问题:“他叫什么名字?”
“多纳万,”亚伦说到。字词从他嘴里钻出,如同毒药。“皮特·多纳万。”
那个名字,伯克很久没有听到了,只是时不时在自己的心中想起。那是一个浸透了噩梦与悔恨的名字,一个让他一辈子伤痛的名字。
“亲爱的,我得去控制室了,所以你出发的时候我可能不能送你了。”
“那现在赶紧凑过来给我亲一下。”
“你只不过去地球那边两个星期。”
“那边可全是高富帅,你最好记着到时候给我个回来的理由。”
“哟,过来,你这小狐狸。”
“唔,好吧,我还是会回来的。”
“你最好还是回来。我们收到那么多结婚礼物的感谢信还没寄呢。”
“用不着你提醒。要是你能大胆点,几年前我们就结婚了。这些东西早就弄完了。”
“那我倒是提醒提醒你,要不是你老是为了参加每一个你能报上名的科学会议而满世界地跑,我早就把你抱回家了。”
“好好好,你还是赶紧出门吧。再晚就要上班迟到了。”
“嗯嗯,好好玩……哦,别玩得太好了……”
“皮特,我爱你。”
“我也爱你,梅根。”
不仅仅是亚伦的母亲一直被人记着。那个命运颠覆的夜晚,太空站气闸内有许多人。多少年来,伯克记着他们所有人。
法院的判决是“无罪”,但这毫无意义。无罪也改变不了事实,改变不了他的感受,改变不了宣判结束后跟在他身后的人苍白脸上的表情。它也无法阻止噩梦,无法阻止耳中不停的低语与诅咒。无罪?罪恶已经浸入他的骨髓。当罪恶感成为他唯一的依托时,他怎么可能是无罪的?让他坚持前行只剩下罪恶感本身。
“皮特,传送室的气压平衡阀有点问题。”
“你确定不是冷却管道里的气泡吗?”
“不太像。”
“好,告诉飞船指挥官,让他退后,直到问题解决。”
“他可不会喜欢这命令的。”
“是么?”
“听你的,值班工程师。指挥官确认暂停对接。骂你的话就不复述了。”
“谢谢。”
“然后呢?压力控制系统宕机了。”
“让乘客离舱,然后……”
“皮特,微陨石雨!”
“位置?”
“击中了一个舱的加压箱。”
“撤离人群,快!”
“没时间了,那个加压箱马上就会爆炸。它会造成整个空间站减压的。你得弹射这个传送舱!”
“里面还有十三个人!”
“皮特,立刻动手。现在就弹射!”
“梅根……对不起。”
当他们回到营地,亚伦仍旧坐立不安。他来回踱步,像只关在笼子里的猫。
“我睡不着。”他终于开口了。
伯克点点头,仿佛能够理解一样。他说:“也许我们该谈谈。”他决定不再隐藏这件事情了——去他的以后。
“谈什么?”
“我为什么到永恒星来。”
亚伦没有多大的兴趣,只是简单地接到:“好啊,如果你想说的话。”
“那个时候,在原来那个世界的时候,”伯克深吸了一口气,说到:“我是世航局的工程师。”
“世界航天局?我妈妈以前也在那工作。”
“闭上你的嘴,听我说完。”
亚伦很少见他用这么尖锐的语气,乖乖地保持了沉默。
“是这样的,”伯克接着说,“出事的时候我是轨道空间站的值班员。我们经常遭受微陨石的袭击,通常也不会有太大的麻烦。但这次……这次有颗陨石击中了加压箱。我得瞬间下个决定,你知道吗,生死关头,我得马上做出一个决定,到底是放弃一个舱,还是拿整个空间站冒险。你完全无法体会那种情形—--在那种时候下决定。下决定放弃十三个人的生命。”
“十三?”亚伦逐渐意识到了。
“对。因为我的决定,十三个人丧生,因为那个我不得不下的决定。我也不想这样,我也不想!要是我没……”
“你就是……”亚伦挤不出那个名字。自从他知道那个名字以来,它一直撕咬着他。它如同一个个灼热的字母刻在他的脑海之中。但现在,他却挤不出一点声音。
“我就是皮特·多纳万,”伯克替他说了出来,“至少以前是。那个人现在已经不存在了。”
伯克站起身来。他站在那里,等着亚伦的反应。
亚伦一动不动,说不出话来,事实真相击垮了他的意识。
“你的母亲是吉尔·汉克斯博士,对吗?我认识她。我认识他们所有的十三个人。”
伯克转身走开。
亚伦仍然没有动静。他仿佛不能理解听到的一切。那些声音在他的脑袋中转了一圈又一圈,妨碍了其他所有的动作。他找到了这个他追逐了多年的仇人,这个杀害了他的母亲的人,却发现这个人是他最好的朋友。在永恒星上,唯一对他无微不至的人,唯一值得他尊敬的人。
现在,他却得杀他。在他能够……在他能够考虑这件事之前,他要再和他谈谈。他跟着伯克,或者说,皮特·多纳万,走进树林。
伯克听到他的脚步声,转过身来。
“你为什么不救他们?你为什么不……”亚伦摇摇晃晃的,思绪已经完全混乱。他别过脸去。伯克还是看到他的脸上痛苦的表情。那是由于愧疚产生的表情吗?抑或是懊悔?亚伦看着别处,一路走下去,话语死气沉沉。“她在那个飞船上是为了我。都是我的错,她才会在那。我又在学校惹事了,她就赶过来帮我的。”他的声音渐渐黯淡,轻的像是自言自语。他看向伯克:“我知道会有风险,但至少还是有希望的啊。你为什么……为什么不试试!”
伯克没有回答。他不知道怎么回答。什么答案都没有用。他从没有想过亚伦自己也有罪恶感。他的复仇只是一副面具,一条包扎自己伤口的绷带。对于孩子来说,把罪恶感转化为仇恨要容易得多。但现在,也许他能够承受了,大声说出来,他能学会如何处理自己的罪恶感。也许,他们俩都能。
“我也希望我做了别的选择。”伯克说到。“我也希望我能把我妻子的生命换回来。我应该毫不犹豫地这么做的。但冒险的不是我自己的生命,那是整个空间站的几百个人。几百条生命都由我来决定,”他接着说了下去,“如果能救回那十三条人命,要我做什么都行。只要能救回你的母亲,能救回我的妻子。但是我什么都不能做,我什么都改变不了。”
亚伦迟疑了,不敢相信他听到的东西。“你的妻子?她也在那?她也在等飞船?”
伯克没有回答。他说得够多了,他不想说这么多的。转过身去,他向前走去,把他以前无法忘记的一切也都抛在了身后。
「完」
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